You know how they say, “Whoever dies with the most yarn wins.”? Well I think my Grandma Bug won. She died almost three years ago, but we’re just now getting to the part where we clean out her attic, and found half a dozen trunks and close to 50 boxes and bins full of fabric yardage, scraps, yarn, patterns and UFOs. My mama and I spent some time last week going through things and found lots of treasures. We also found a lot of dirt. The stuff was in an attic, after all.
While we were sorting through stuff, talking about knitting, Mama asked me if I feel guilty when I sit down to knit or crochet. Of course I said yes. I know I’m not alone in the feeling like there’s always something else I ought to be doing. Something more important. Something like washing dishes, or organizing the kajillion pieces of paper on my desk. Or putting the new floor in the upstairs bathroom, or exercising, or working on something for one of the many outside commitments I have. The list goes on and on. If the family sits down to watch TV or a movie, I like to work on a project, but then a kid asks me to sit with me, and the project goes back in the bag.
In the week since that day, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about guilt. Not just feeling it, but thinking about the amount of time a day I spend with the G-word looming over my head, like a cartoon character with his own personal rain cloud. 
I’ve come to the conclusion that about 98% of the time during which I’m not sweeping floors, folding laundry or washing dishes I feel guilty. I even feel it while I’m at work! I telecommute, so that means that if there is a mess in the living room or worse, the office, it’s calling to me even when I’m doing my job.
That’s not supposed to be how it is, is it?
I need to work on this, it’s obvious. But how? I had planned to process this dilemma in my head whilst I write this post, but all of a sudden, I got nuthin’. There is nothing else coming to me. I simply have no idea how to get over it. I used to think that if I just got some more things done during the day I’d feel that I’d earned the leisure activity time, but in practice, it doesn’t work that way. Good time management skills simply do not fix this strange guilt-brain anxiety thing. To-do lists are never finished, because they are always longer than time allows (not to mention the incidentals like phone calls and visits and illness). There are always more dirty dishes, dirty laundry, crumbs on the floor, work to be done.
And I’ve managed to knit 2 rows on my Pi Shawl in the last 12 days. It’ll be done just in time to wear to my daughter’s 8th grade graduation (she’s currently 9).
I know exactly what you mean by this – and it’s telling that it seems to affect women more than men. I think it’s often a layered thing, which makes it hard to figure out. Over-commitment, over-estimating the importance of perfect house-keeping, under-estimating the importance of down-time, putting oneself last on the list of priorities, being a perfectionist, the list goes on. Leisure time and rest time are important parts of a balanced life. So is having a creative outlet. Maybe the solution lies in changing the goal from doing all the things to having balance. Then skipping the leisure time would create guilt.
Like you I’ve been ridden with guilt, but much less so now. I know that nothing truly good ever comes from guilt. Things done or left undone from guilt only breed resentment. I think guilt is so destructive because it is the last refuge of the ego: guilt, ironically, is self-centered. It sounds like you know all this—all too well, I’m afraid.
Instead of living out of guilt, try focusing on gratitude. Focus on the pleasures of leisure time and cultivate the joy and gratitude to be found there. That pleasure and gratitude can power you through all the dreary duties. Maybe you are putting the cart before the horse. (Sorry—not trying to guilt you! (Damn—nor myself.))
I am a bit of a gourmet, which can feel selfish. I can spend a lot of time and sometimes money cooking and dining. But the immense pleasure of good food and wine becomes a kind of spiritual experience for me—all the more when I am on my own. Time seems suspended and the moment becomes liberating. It’s not easy to achieve balance, as the other comment put it, because our lives are so conflicted and full of demands. But try not thinking about “earning” your leisure time; just receive it as a gift, with gratitude.
Gratitude is something I try to focus on regularly, but I never thought to try to focus on it when I’m enjoying leisure activities. That is an interesting thought. I’ll give it a go and report back.